Letting Go Without Giving Up: How Radical Acceptance Can Transform your Relationships, Work, and Parenting

By Dr Roisin Joyce

Lead Clinical Psychologist

Several years ago, I wrote a blog about using the skill of Radical Acceptance to manage life’s challenges more effectively. Since then, this practice has stayed with me but in the past couple of months, it has come up again and again in my work and life and this has reminded me how important and powerful this skill can be. I want to share some thoughts about how Radical Acceptance can be especially helpful in three key areas of life: relationships, work and parenting.

What is Radical Acceptance?

Radical acceptance means fully accepting things as they are in the here and now, not as you wish them to be, or how they were in the past. Radical Acceptance is not a one and done strategy, it is something you have to commit to and practice over and over again, especially when life is painful or disappointing.

Radical acceptance in relationships

Radical acceptance plays a huge role in healthy, happy relationships. Have you ever been in a relationship where you are continually disappointed by the other person’s responses and actions? You may repeatedly ask yourself why they won’t do this or that, and have an idea that if they did, things would be better and you would be so much happier. You may have specific ideas of how you would like them to be – how you want them to think, respond or hold you in mind. When they do not respond in this way, it can feel upsetting and disappointing, and over time this can lead to anger and resentment.

If you have communicated how you would like things to be and the other person is unable or unwilling to meet your needs, you may want to consider that it is time to radically accept reality, that this is who they are, perhaps how they have always been, and likely how they will always be (unless they wish to change). This would mean letting go of an idealised version of the other person and instead truly accepting them as they actually are. Sometimes this means the end of a relationship because when you radically accept the other, you may realise they can never meet your needs and the relationship needs to end. At other times, it can lead to a new beginning, a relationship that is built on radical acceptance of the other as they are. This means no more idealised version of them living in your head, no more unrealistic expectations, no more disappointment, just relating to them according to how they are in the world and accepting this is what they can offer you. Radical Acceptance frees you up to consider what you are going to do next given the situation as it is.

Here is an example from my life. I highly value a non-cluttered environment and like to have everything in its place so that I can access it quickly when I need it. I have spent many years trying to make this a priority for the people I live with, implementing a range of ‘organization made simple’ strategies but much to my frustration, the shoes still consistently sit in front of the shoe rack at the front door.

I have finally accepted that not everyone values an obstacle free hallway as much as I do and I have made peace with the fact that if I want to live this way, I will often need to tidy things away when entering the house. Since accepting this, I do not get so irritated entering the house and I know that part of my arrival routine means picking up at least one pair of shoes from inside the door. This means I do not get so upset when I walk in the front door, and my first interaction with family members is not a negative one. As I mentioned in the introduction, Radical Acceptance is not a one and done strategy, so I often have to remind myself that this is how things are, and I have to respond as effectively as I can in the situation over and over again. This is not easy but when I manage it my life is calmer, and I have no doubt that the people I live with prefer it too.

A moment to reflect :-

· Are you holding onto ideas about someone in your life (a partner, a sibling, a parent) that does not match the reality of who they are?

· If you were to radically accept them as they are today, what would you need to let go of? What might this be like for you and for them?

Radical acceptance at work

Often in work environments, we find ourselves using processes and systems that do not work for us or the people we work with. When this is questioned, the response often given is, “This is always how we’ve always done it and it works fine”. The reality is that a system that was put in place years ago may not be an effective system in the here and now and is likely causing frustration and dissatisfaction to the people using the system.

Workplaces are always changing and developing and in order to be effective, we need to move and develop alongside this. This involves responding to things as they are now and not how they were in the past. We recently had an example of this at my workplace. We had a website that was created 13 years ago when the practice opened. It was ‘fine’ in that all the information clients needed was on it but there were significant problems – it looked dated, it was not compatible for mobile browsing, it was difficult to navigate and it could not accept online payments. It was built for a time when people did not usually browse websites on their phone or expect to be able to book and pay online. Once we radically accepted where the practice is now and the current needs of the staff and clients, the only effective option was to redesign and update the system. While it was a lot of work to create a new website, it is much more effective and is a much better representation of the practice as it is now. I fully appreciate that it is extra work to update systems and processes when there is one available that ‘works fine’, but in certain situations, the benefits outstrip the effort and will lead to more effective processes and systems, and a happier workplace experience for all.

A moment to reflect :-

· Are there systems or process at your workplace that may have worked at one time but are no longer working effectively?

· If you were to radially accept things as they are today, what changes would you make to these systems or processes?

· What would you have to let go of? What could you gain by doing so?

Radical acceptance in parenting

I spoke about relationships earlier in the blog but I wanted to address parenting separately as the relationship between parents and their children is deep and long-lasting. As parents, we think about our children … a lot! We have so many ideas, hopes and dreams for them. Before they are even born, we visualise what they will look like, what their personality will be like, what they will be good at, what they might do for a career. Without realising it, we can create an idealised version of our children, a version that is more about our own hopes and dreams than the unique human we are looking after. These ideas can be enjoyable and harmless if we are able to understand they come from us, we are able to hold them lightly and let them go as the child’s personality unfolds. The other difficulty is when we are unwilling to let go of a previous version of our child – a time they wanted to spend all their time with us, when they wanted to please us, when they wanted to follow us in our chosen career. If we do not radically accept our children as they are in the present, holding onto how they used to be or how we want them to be, the relationship will be full of disappointment, frustration and anger and will deteriorate over time as the child fights for autonomy.

I experienced this when my son got into doing magic a number of years ago. He was brilliant! It was great fun seeing all his tricks and magic brought all the family together at social occasions.

Over time, his interest in it dwindled and I found myself trying to encourage him back to it. When he told me he wasn’t interested in doing it anymore, I noticed my urge to push it. When I reflected on this, I realised this was my agenda and I reluctantly accepted that he had moved on and I let it go. He still does the odd trick and I have to hold myself back from trying to convince him to take it up again, but Radical Acceptance helps me to interact with him as he is today.

A moment to reflect :-

· Are you holding onto ideas about your children that do not fit with the reality of who they are today or what they want?

· If you were to radically accept them as they are today, what would you need to let go of? What would this be like for you and for them?

· Could this be helpful for the relationship?

· What would the relationship look like going forward?

Final thoughts

Radical Acceptance is a powerful tool for reducing distressing emotions and promoting effective coping. It is a skill that gets easier with practice. Have a go and see how it works for you.

Dr Róisín Joyce is Lead Clinical Psychologist and co-Founder at Evidence-Based Therapy Centre, Galway. Her goal is to enable people to access high quality psychological information that can enhance their everyday living.

To read more about Roisin please read her bio on our website by clicking here.